A load of my mind

Imastered my courage today to do something which has been bothering me for quite some time. Although I know that I shouldn't have done it but at least a load has been taken off my mind since I have been deliberating over what I should do for a long period of time and because of certain reasons, I decided to leave it as it is.

I always felt that I owe certain people an explanation although many would tell me there's no need to. But me being me, is quite bothered by it especially I know that I would be labelled as heartless etc because I chose to remain silent and disappear. Although I did not get any direct answer or response but I am feeling happy because I managed to be strong enough to take the step. At least I got it past myself which is the most important.

I do not know if there will be any consequences from my actions today but whatever has to come will come 1 day,I will leave it till then. I am not going to do anything anymore. I know that someone is trying to stir up problems but I believe that the truth will be out 1 day and since I am not guilty of it, I just have to ignore it. 清者自清。

Call from a clown

Ireceived a call on my house phone today from an unfamiliar number. I went to answer it thinking that most likely it won't be looking for me since people who needed to contact me would do it through my mobile but it turned to be my call. Initially I couldn't recognise who was it on the other line and was really getting frustrated when all the person on the other line did was "hello" "hello" "hello" all the way without saying who he was looking for. When he finally made up his dumb mind to inform that he was looking for me, I started to have a rough idea who he was. It was a big surprise to hear from him since he went missing last year.

I wasn't in the least happy to hear his voice but still I decided to hear what he has got to say.However the more I hear, the more disgusted I feel. It just makes you realise that a leopard will never change its spots. A liar will still be a liar. I couldn't believe what I heard. I can't image how can he be so thick skinned as to act as if nothing has happened after he went around spreading rumors and smearing people's reputation. On second thoughts, what can I expect from someone of such low character?

It's really revolting that he goes around telling people that he's so into charity work and acted as though he's so pious. The moment he opens his mouth,out comes the religious sayings. It is just an act to create an image for himself as a saint to gain people's trust for his own benefit. End of the day, it doesn't help things even if you pray before every meals and goes to church every week while you are having an evil heart.

I really find it ridiculous and funny that someone will be as "bo liao" as him to call me up just to tell me gossip regarding my ex boss who is having an affair. Do you think I care? Get a life man! I seriously think that he has a mental problem and it is getting worse. He deserved an award for being so dramatic. Hahaha............

He started telling me his sob sob stories. Starting with his sister suffering from cancer, what did he expect from me? Sympathy? He's such a hard core liar that I am numb to whatever he has to say now. All I gave him was a piece of advice which was to talk less. Maybe he has lost his mind or he wasn't aware that everything is already out in the open. Well, he can continue to spin as many lies as he wants. As far as I am concerned, I take everything he says with a laugh and do you think a mad man's words can be trusted?

Get a life, Mr Michael Teo !!!

* PS: Since you said that you will be flying around the world. Have a good time and don't bother to come back.

To the man who used to be my everything..........

How time flies! It's been more than 5 years since we saw each other.To many people, it's been way too long for me to still remember you but to me,it's still not long enough for you to be totally out of my heart.

Maybe the saying "time will heal all wounds" is correct but I have no idea how long will that take and if the wound inflicted by you can be totally healed. Because you left me with a wound that will scar me forever.

The agony of having someone who was your everything walking out of your life suddenly is worse than death. You were my whole world and everything I did, I did it for you but in the end, you still chose to walk away just like that........ without even turning to take a last look. Why were you so heartless?? Can't you just give me a little of your love? I gave up everything for you including any last bit of dignity but you have never ever given me any place in your heart,not even a tiny weenie bit of it.Forever in your eyes, you can't see me at all.

I tried to hold on to you in whatever ways I can but you were slipping away from me day by day.I don't mind how you treated me, I just wanted you. I just needed to know that you and I are together, even though it is just in name since you were never by my side most of the time. I don't even get to hear your voice.I wanted so much to call you but I was afraid. What was I afraid of? I don't know.................

While going through my old diaries, I realised that everything that was written was all about you. Without fail everyday, I would be writing about things that are related to you. Wondering what you are doing,why are you behaving in this way towards me etc... I wanted nothing else,everything becomes no longer important except you. But I was nothing to you..........

I believed you when you painted a picture of our future together but in the end, you left taking a big part of me with you. The question of "have you ever loved me?" is always on my mind and I have always wanted to hear the answer from you but I guess I will never have a chance to hear it or maybe I just didn't have the courage to hear your reply.

I knew that I had lost you forever after you refused to visit me in hospital no matter how I begged you. Do you know how cruel you were to me? All I wanted was just to have a look at you.... but all I got was just a heartless NO! However I was so madly in love over you that I was still waiting for you to have a change of heart, I always believe that if I gave you my heart,1 day you will realise it and you will finally give me your true heart,sadly nevertheless, this was not the case. Where love is concerned, there is no equality; how much you give out will not be the same as how much you will get back.It is not as simple as 1 equals to 1.

Looking back at the time that we were together,it's so sad that we do not have much memories, we never get to do what other couples do like going to the movies, going for walks etc...... In the end,my wish of taking a photo together was still not fufilled. I can still remember that I made a card for you where I drew the 2 of us.I asked for your photo but you refused. Maybe you didn't want to leave any traces behind?

I wanted so much for you to be with me on my 21st birthday but you refused and on another year, you finally gave in after my persistent pleading but I was given 3 time slots to choose from and only 2 hours. But that 2 hours meant a lot to me, do you know? Maybe you will never know how important you were to me or you knew it but you chose to make use of it.

Looking back , I guess 1 of the things that bothered me the most was the way we parted. All the threatenings, scoldings, cursing and swearing..... It's a very pathetic way to end a 3 years plus relationship. I wished that we had ended it with our usual hug. At least we would have a happy memory or even we looked back at it, there won't be so much bitterness.

I really used to hate you very much to the extent that I really hoped that another woman will break your heart exactly the same way that you have broken mine. I wanted to see retribution happening on you. I always believe that the world is round, what goes around comes around. I believe that everybody will have an achilles heel and everybody has that someone who means the world to him/her, just that I'm not the 1. When I saw that photo of you and her, it felt like I was given a tight slap in the face because it was a reminder that you refused to have any photo taken with me and when I heard that you are already married with kids, it felt like a stab in the heart. I think you know the reason why........ it is the same reason that makes it hard for you to be totally out of my heart. Even though I know, you may not even remember me now.

As time goes by, I find that I don't hate you as much. The anger and resentment towards you is diminishing with each passing day. Is it because I don't have anymore feelings towards you? I really don't know the answer. All I know is that a lot of the past memories kept coming back these few days. Using a calm mentality to sort through them, I found that there were 2-3 that brought a smile to my face which I can use to tell myself that there were that few moments that you did try your best. 我可否告诉自己我没白爱过？

Up till today, I still do not know what will be my reaction if we happened to bump into each other on the streets but I hope that both of us will be able to smile at each other because you were once the man whom I loved more than anything else. If I were given a chance to live life all over again, would I want to meet you again? I don't know the answer, all I know is 我曾真心真意，全心全意地放胆去爱，那以足够了！

From now on, you are just one of the many memories in my life..........................

Goodbye.........................

Dear Christiana Marie Westlake aka Chrissy

What's the answer that I'm looking for?

Been feeling very frustrated for the past few days without knowing what's the exact cause of it. Maybe it has been accumulating over the past few months and has finally decided to show its ugly head out now to the extent that I'm about to explode. Do I really have no idea what's bothering me or am I trying to avoid facing it so much that it is hiding in my subconscious now? Maybe I really need to find a real quiet place and hide and search for the answer within myself.

I need my inner peace!!!

Pls don't bother to contact me since you're so busy

Something Chrissy said during our daily online "therapy" (well,we're online chatting almost daily) today struck a chord with me. She was complaining about some people thinking that once you are not holding a full time job means that you have a lot of time on hands and that will mean that you have no life at all. No doubt that it can be true to a certain extent but that doesn't mean that you have no other personal things to attend to. Well, I guess life's not just about working or shopping isn't it?

Even if you have a lot of time on hand, it doesn't mean that the time has to be shared with others by attending to their issues just because they are WORKING! (Omg, now then I know that having a job is such a big thing that is discharges you from all your duties). If that's the case then I guess about 80% of the Singapore generation has no other responsibilities at all other than themselves.

No doubt that working hours take up a big chunk of the daily life but don't tell me that you are working 24 hours 7 days a week ( you think you are advertising for a certain convenience store is it?) It all boils down to whether you have the intention of doing it and since you have the time for retail therapy, I don't see the reason why you can't squeeze out that tiny weenie bit of your PRECIOUS time. (Oh please forgive me, I've forgotten that you're so stressed by your so very important career,that's why you need to de-stress)

It's been so hard on you;with you being so busy and having to take time off your busy schedule to show your concern and oh yes, we can understand how BUSY you are and we understand that you're already trying your very very best and it's understandable that you aren't able to follow up on it after finding out.

Since you're such a busy person, I wouldn't want to take up any of your precious time. Hopefully I won't hear from you least I'll feel guilty for hindering you from your great job!!!

此时此刻的心情写照。。。。。。。。

叫我如何忘了你？

我一直都以为可以能把你轻易忘记
只是你的背影一直还在我心底
天天想你夜夜哭泣不能自己
想要逃避已经来不及
说什么海角到天际说什么今生永不渝
你的一字一句一直徘徊在心底
天天想起夜夜回忆眼泪再继续
应该放弃找个人代替
告诉我如何把你忘
告诉我如何把你隐藏
放在我的心上没有爱没有思念的地方
告诉我我该怎么藏
告诉我如何把你遗忘
所谓地老天荒
只是让一个人孤孤单单让一个人心慌
我一直都以为可以能把你轻易忘记
只是你的背影一直还在我心底
天天想你夜夜哭泣不能自己
想要逃避已经来不及
说什么海角到天际说什么今生永不渝
你的一字一句一直徘徊在心底
天天想起夜夜回忆眼泪再继续
应该放弃找个人代替
告诉我如何把你忘
告诉我如何把你隐藏
放在我的心上
没有爱没有思念的地方
告诉我我该怎么藏
告诉我如何把你遗忘
所谓地老天荒
只是让一个人孤孤单单让一个人心慌
告诉我如何把你忘
告诉我如何把你隐藏
放在我的心上
没有爱没有思念的地方
告诉我我该怎么藏
告诉我如何把你遗忘
所谓地老天荒
只是让一个人孤孤单单让一个人心慌
是否情路太难你让我一个人游游荡荡让一个人心伤

Love?

What is love? This question was posted to me recently and that got me struck.Seriously I don't know the answer to it but I find it an interesting question. I guess it is the same as asking which one comes first,the chicken or the egg. Every body's answer will be different depending on the way you look at it. I guess nobody can give a proper or standard definition of love.

There are many different kind of love such as the love between mother and child, sibling love, love between friends and romantic love. Love consists of giving and give people the strength to carry on life despite the hardships. Of all, I find romantic love to be the most difficult to comprehend and handle as well as the most hurting.

Up to today, I still feel that there is no reason as to why you love a person. Love is a very special feeling where it can make you feel as though you are in heaven or hell depending on the person you love. Love can ascend on you without you realising it and leaves you before you can grasp it. Once the love is gone, it's gone no matter how much you want it back. Maybe it doesn't belong to you right from the beginning? or maybe there is someone out there who is more suitable for you? Love can make you do the craziest things and when you are madly in love, all that you can see is only the other party.

True love can withstand the distance, the temptations and goes beyond skin deep. But how many people can be so lucky as to find their true love?

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
-St. Augustine

Dear Mrs Wee, Mrs Adeline Cheam & Ms Oon

On your special day,I just wanted you to know that

no matter how many years will pass or

how much I will accomplish on my own,

I will never outgrow the guidance and inspiration

you've given me from the beginning.

You're a very special part of my life and you always will be

Happy Teacher's Day !!!

Dear Verenita & the twins